dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
