Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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