where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
