I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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