Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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