between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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