dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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