The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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