apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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