I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize