No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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