i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
