I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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