"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
