this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
