wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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