When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
