I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
