New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
