oh god the rape fog is back!
Duck Duck Cougar?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
