I'd wear matching sweaters with you
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
