Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
