so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
