I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Shame - the story of my life.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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