I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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