I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
