i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Four minutes until I can fart!
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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