my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
