ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
