In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
