bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
