someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
