duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
