Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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