I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize