Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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