Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
