I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
