Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
this boner is exhausting
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Randomize
