thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
