i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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