farters have to be the big spoon...
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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