I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Randomize