don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
