I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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