he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
