and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
