brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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