Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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