oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
