I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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