New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just invented taco cereal.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Randomize
