I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
