Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
