I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
