so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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