I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
