Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize