well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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