bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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