Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
