I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
